Hey, love your umbrella.
-Dr. Mills. Dr. Budlong. -Morosini, Carvalho, come with me.
If he thinks he's going to ruin any more equipment he's underestimated the facility.
-He thinks he's cute, doesn't he? -Yes, but I was mother's favourite.
Dr. Mills.
-This is the last time I'll warn you. -I won't let the Klystron go above 300.
That's what you said last time it rained, but you turned it to 350.
Do you know what it costs to repair a Klystron tube?
I know, Dr. Budlong. I'm very sorry, but believe me it won't happen again.
You have my word on that, and I promise.
Don't worry. He can't go blowing up your Klyman tube or whatever it is.
We've got a date tonight, happy hour at Mingles.
Mingles. You know what that means?
What?
It means complimentary hors d'oeuvres.
A veritable who's who of secretaries and beauticians.
It means 20th century music.
You look like a sensible man. You believe there's life on other planets?
-I don't believe there's life in this room. -Exactly.
Your brother wants to send a radar signal to a point in space so far away...
...it'd take 92 years to get there and 92 years to get back.
Ninety-two years? Steve, we're late now.
Indeed. There isn't anything out there, Dr. Mills.
We're it.
Now don't you go above 300 or I'm revoking your funding.
Now that Dr. Strangelove is gone, let's go. Mingles is at high party.
I can't tonight, Ron.
It's raining.
Tonight I've got another destination in mind. I wanna go right there.
Clouds of Magellan. It sounds like some kind of woman's underwear.
No, the Clouds of Magellan is the name of our neighbouring galaxy.
You want to send a radar signal to the next galaxy?
You can't get radar to the next galaxy.
You'd have to travel faster than the speed of light. No one can do that.
Don't watch that, it won't change. This is the one to watch.
I like the Clouds of Magellan.
We can't get there, Ron.
But if we increase the power of the Klystron, with lightning...
...we may get a signal strong enough to get out of the solar system.
That's the theory, anyway.
Right. Thanks. Tell me something I don't know.
Can't this wait? Secretaries are like animals when it comes to free food.
The reflectors line up for 10 days only once every 19 months.
Now, with all this rain and lightning, it's perfect.
Perfect for men like us.
Christ! Steve, when was the last time you went out with a woman?
January of '86. No. March of '86.
I took Dr. Elizabeth Conway to see the Halley's Comet retrospective.
Superb.
-You see it? -Sure, a couple of times.
How can we be brothers? We don't have a single gene in common.
-Not above 300 kilowatts. -Hi.
Okay. Thank you. Have fun.
We have no time to sweep frequencies. We'll lower it below three centimetres.
But below?
It's raining out here. I'm getting wet!
This jacket is a Ralph Lauren!
And it's smelly.
Great, just great.
I'm wet and smelly. They're gonna jump all over me.
Do you guys smell fish?
It's me!
-Help me rotate the dish. -Where's this lightning supposed to strike?
Right here.
Here?
That almost hit my shoe.
Excuse me.
All the way up.
I hate this. What the hell is this thing?
Klystron tube. Potential of 400 megawatts, at an oscillation of 60 gigahertz.
Great. Why don't we take this to Mingles?
Stupid piece of garbage.
Now all we gotta do is harness the lightning.
Yes, it's good. Let's try for lightning.
-Is this important? -Only if it works.
Okay, deep breath. Set your retractors.
How long is this gonna take? Single women have short attention spans.
Prepare to initiate the system.
Now!
Oh, Jesus!
-We got it! -Look at it!
It's going! I love you!
What is happening?
Steve! What's happening?
Mills!
What is happening?
The Klystron!
We have a red condition in the second unit.
Fire control! The laboratory area.
I'm okay.
Beautiful!
What?
My God!
I didn't only get out of the solar system, I just went out of the galaxy.
That means we were travelling faster than the speed of light.
How the hell did we do that?
Eleven seconds on the clock.
Down by one. Mills fakes left. Goes around Magic Johnson.
Puts Kareem in the popcorn machine.
Why can't I dunk? Is that asking so much?
You got out of the galaxy and they fired you?
We were using lightning to boost the power of the Klystron.
I shorted every telemetry tracker in the place and all my monitors.
So there's no proof.
That's not fair.
What are we going to do?
I might just have to take a....
What?
Take a teaching job.
You know how that is? One position for every 16 applicants.
I could double my babysitting.
Or take up a newspaper route.
Do girls do that now?
It's beautiful up there.
Two hundred billion stars in our galaxy.
That's really my office up there.
I wish Mom could have lived long enough to see you get out of the galaxy.
She'd be having the whole block in for champagne!
Think you'll ever find anyone like her again?
Boy. Jess, I don't know.
The chances of me finding another woman like your mother are the same...
...as me proving there's life on another planet up there. Figure one in 16 billion.
All right, Larry Byrd, what's for dinner?
Fish sticks. Pop tarts.
Frozen pizza. Whatever else we can nuke in the microwave.
What do you say, Dave?
Can we see Sirius tonight?
You know, it's also called the Dog Star.
Come on.
-It's quite a small planet, really. -Half the size of ours, but very busy.
-Have you mastered it yet? -Of course.
You know how superb our research is.
All I have to do is teach you everything I know in 20 minutes.
We're at light 30 approaching light 35.
This is a record glide speed. They didn't think we'd make it this fast.
Look, it's Saturn.
-Could we stop there on the way back? -Maybe.
Why can't I fit Neptune into this picture?
Wait. That works.
Neptunians won't like it, though.
Let's see here.
Look at Neptune now!
-Dad, we'll be late for Uncle Ron's party. -Look at Neptune.
I haven't finished the M.l.T. proposal yet.
-Come on. -I hate leaving the universe in such a mess.
Here, put this on.
Look at this. Do these things ever work? No.
The modern light bulb has a half-life of about 10 minutes.
-I'm going to take it apart. -It's not the bulb, it's the switch.
You've been meaning to fix it, remember.
Dad, you're impossible.
Do we have any socks?
See, I knew I had a pair in reserve. And they're dry.
I've been cooking 'em since yesterday.
Daddy, look at me. Do you see anything different about me?
I'm wearing a bra.
You can't be! You're only 13!
My God!
You're 13.
A bra?
Well, did you get the right strap size?
Cup size. Yeah, A-minus.
Where have I been?
How can I learn everything I need to know in only six more minutes?
This is a very backward planet.
The Mondschein 40 is the most advanced research facility in the northern universe.
Research has determined you must be the most desirable woman on the planet.
Men on Earth will fall to their knees...
...betray their countries and give away real estate for a beautiful woman.
That's silly.
Will I need to eat?
No. We'll only be in the place for 24 hours.
This is the most important assignment any of us has undertaken.
I feel so poorly prepared.
You're the Earth expert.
But you are the Chief Extragalactic Probist. You know the Council's directive.
I can only be your adviser.
Are you sure this research is accurate?
Celeste, the Mondschein 40 is never wrong.
Right. Let's go.
Hors d'oeuvres?
Kimberly.
-You met my brother Steve? -No.
You gotta watch out for him, but in the best sense.
He cares too deeply, like a sparrow.
You've got something on your lip.
A little dip there.
I think flossing is so important, too.
When I get up in the morning, I don't even go to the bathroom first.
I floss and then I go.
That's so great.
Ron, I'm beginning to think you're avoiding me.
Hi.
Are you Dr. Steve Mills?
He's the guy dancing with his daughter.
Hors d'oeuvres?
Thank you. Delicious.
Hello.
-Are you Dr. Steve Mills? -Yes.
Will you tell me the composition of your radar beam or not?
Which one?
Now, you don't fool me. Your favourite colour is red.
Your favourite food is lasagne, and your favourite rocking is Pink Fred.
Actually, I prefer green, I'm allergic to all pasta...
...and my favourite rock is Rachmaninoff.
Of course you'd say that.
I think it's Pink Floyd, not Pink Fred right, Jessie?
Pink Fred is their nickname.
Would you hold this for me, please?
"Hey, hey we're the Monkees
"People say we monkey around
"But we're too busy singing to put anybody down"
What?
Do you know what they say? "Nixon's the One!"
Dick Nixon?
Okay.
See you later, bro.
Sailor, I like your jeep.
You've broken my heart for the last time.
You've broken my heart for the last time, too.
Do you have any spinach, my hands are freezing?
"I'm Popeye the sailor man I'm Popeye the sailor man
"I'm strong to the 'finich' 'cause I eats me spinach
"I'm Popeye the sailor man Toot, toot"
"This Bud's for you."
Baby!
Now will you tell me the composition of your radar beam?
Wackygram, right?
Encore! Encore!
This is a nightmare.
Your research was all wrong! The food was all wrong!
This dress is strange and what is this thing?
This hat is too big. And everything I said was crazy.
Now just a second. Don't blame it all on me.
I never told you they used spinach to keep their hands warm.
Daddy, who was that?
I don't know.
But I feel kinda sorry for her. I don't think anybody liked her.
Did you?
How are we ever going to get Dr. Steve to transmit his signal now?
He thinks I'm a lunatic.
Now just calm down.
You've got to go back in there.
And you....
-Hi. -Hi.
Tough room.
I'm really sorry how rude I was in there.
You weren't rude. You were very entertaining.
In fact, I thought you were a professional of some kind.
Believe me, they'll be telling their grandchildren about it.
Have you done any interesting radar astronomy transmissions...
...which may have penetrated other galaxies in the last few days?
Yes, I have.
Well, what happened?
-It's pretty complex. -Try me.
That was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
I mean, second most beautiful.
Third.
A dog.
The system. I blew out every resistance backup in the place...
...including telemetry trackers. Those boys from defence were so mad.
'Cause that's what they use for tracking missiles....
I must be boring the pants off you.
-No. They're still on. -Good.
-Then what happened, Dr. Steve? -I don't really know what happened.
It must have been something I did in the lab.
Maybe I forgot to take a note or dropped a setting.
Show me what you did.
Show me in your mighty lab.
I can't. They fired me.
You know I'm a little cold. Would you mind very much if I just...
...stuck my hands right in your pockets?
Yes, that's better.
So, Celeste...
...where are you from?
The nether-lands.
Oh, Holland.
No, the nether-lands.
For an astronomer you have the most wonderful fibres.
And you've got yourself a handful right now.
I can't get back in that lab.
They're gonna kiss!
Does he know how?
Well, of course. I saw him do it once in 1983.
I'm a bad apple.
Excuse me a minute.
I shouldn't be wearing this, should I?
It's very nice.
Then what should I wear?
Thank you. I won't forget this.
Hold this.
What are you doing now?
I have to change. This is inappropriate.
Might I suggest a more conventional spot?
Like the backseat of my car.
There. I'm changed.
Is this acceptable?
Is the drool apparent?
I'm sorry, Dr. Mills, we have strict orders from Dr. Budlong...
...not to let you in the building.
I left something in my office. It was a fuzzy Carebear pencil holder.
Excuse me. I'm from DARPA. The Defence Advance Research Project Agency...
...with instructions to tour this facility.
-So l-- -May I see some lD?
Here.
See Department of Defence.
She's with DARPA.
I'm with her.
All settings are the same. They haven't changed a thing.
Dr. Steve, this is only a Jansky-based telescope.
Part of what used to be called a vast array.
Used to?
I see you had to use enormous thrust.
Where's the Klystron?
Hold on, I'll see what they did with it.
-Good evening, Olaf. -Good evening.
It's nice to have Dr. Mills back.
-What do you mean? -He's in his lab now.
In his lab?
There's nothing powerful enough to have broken through our shields.
It's clear how the reflectors work.
They're not equipped to discover this kind of power for another century.
How did they get it so fast?
I mean, they haven't even figured out Stonehenge.
He must be holding something back.
Dr. Steve is lying.
Who are you?
Who? Me?
What are you doing here?
Where's Mills?
Get away from my equipment.
I've got to be on my way home.
I've got to get home to that good pie.
Just grab the handrail there.
Welcome to my office.
Sender number KD113B.
Just like all the rest of them, but it's mine.
Did you ever think what you were doing by invading another galaxy?
It wasn't an invasion.
Here was this galaxy, minding its own business.
Perhaps a galaxy where war no longer exists.
People all live in harmony.
Things don't go around with such whizzings.
You're shaking. Why?
Because I've wanted to kiss you from the first moment I saw you.
What?
You looked so beautiful and vulnerable, then you started rhyming...
...and doing all that talking and singing and stuff and....
I just wanted to use everything I know about radar astronomy to protect you.
Would you mind if I kissed you?
Does it hurt?
Not the way I do it.
I have never felt anything like that in my entire life.
Do I now have to eat the chocolate from Pennsylvania?
Listen, I think we'd better get out of here.
Are you sure you've told me everything about the transmission?
I think so. But perhaps we should explore it a little further.
I'd better take you home.
No, that's too far. We must go to your place.
-Are you feeling what I'm feeling? -More.
I'm dreaming.
"Life could be a dream
"Sha-boom"
As your great poet says.
Welcome to the Mills residence.
What is this?
Hats.
This one is a collector's item. Actually belonged to Jimmy Durante.
Who?
"Goodnight Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are."
He was a song and dance man in the movies.
Come on in, this is the palace. Help yourself. Sit down. Steal an ashtray.
I have to go check on Jessie. Please don't leave...
...or otherwise I'll be forced to crawl up under my bed and suck dust forever.
So what's going on here?
Could it be that he really doesn't know how he made the transmission?
-What's that? -Canine.
Highly revered on this planet.
Usually found in the company of fire hydrants.
Now look, Dr. Steve's lying.
Don't leave him alone.
But he doesn't even care about that anymore.
Didn't you see during that kissing thing?
His skin got hot and his heartbeat went up.
And suddenly there was a lot more of him down there.
It's an act.
Government types on this planet are trained to lie.
Go find him. He may be burning papers right this minute!
Oh, God!
She's beautiful, isn't she?
Who is she?
My daughter, Jessie.
Short.
Short? She's only 13.
Thirteen?
How old does she look?
Six, seven hundred, just short.
Why don't we go in here?
My bedroom?
Well, you said you wanted to talk. Why go all the way downstairs?
Say, do you think I'm a billionaire?
Or somebody on television or somebody who's really important or something?
You're Steven Mills, Ph.D.
A very obscure physicist who makes $25,000 a year.
And you still want to go in here?
Yowza.
Yowza?
You make me laugh.
I mean, you're the first person that has really made me laugh since....
Look, if we do go in there, you know, I might probably want to do more kissing.
Surely. It was very pleasant. But I hope that's not all you want to do.
Remember me?
You're so wonderful.
You're funny, you're intelligent and you understand my work...
...and now you want to have sex.
I wanna have sex?
Don't you?
Do you?
Yes!
Well, I do, too. As soon as I find out what it is.
-I have to go to the bathroom. -Of course.
What is sex?
-What? -"What?" You heard what I said.
What is sex?
Give me a second. One second. Take a look at this.
Deleted.
What good is deleted?
Now, don't get excited. Just a second. One little second. Here it is.
Your penis is a weapon.
Just like your rifle.
The military expects you to protect it and keep it dry.
All right, men, if you'll open your manuals.
-What? Is that it? -Take it easy.
Here's something else.
What does this mean, Debbie Does Dallas?
Debbie Does Des Moines.
Debbie Does Düsseldorf.
Busy girl, that Debbie.
What's this?
Look behind you.
I can do that. I guess.
I don't believe it.
Why, that's disgusting.
I can't, that right there.
Look, that's the most weirdest thing I've ever seen.
That's why we gave it up 3,000 years ago.
You think I could do that?
Sure. Except for fuel you're human inside and out.
But do you want to?
The kissing wasn't so bad.
You're not leaving me here!
Yes, I am.
I have been ordered to stay with you at all times, to observe everything you do!
Forget it.
Bitch!
My God, you're beautiful.
Are you all right?
Yes, don't stop.
Do you see....
Dr. Steve, that was so wonderful.
I feel like I've been hit by a train.
And I don't think you need to call me Dr. Steve anymore.
Steve, you're so stupid. We could have been doing this the whole time.
We only met three hours ago.
I know. What took you so long?
Do others know about this?
About us? I don't see how they could.
No, about making love.
You could become very famous if others in the world knew you could do this.
-Really? -Yes.
Didn't think I did it any differently than anybody else.
You mean everybody does this?
Think of all the energy produced.
Properly channelled that energy could propel half your people out of the galaxy.
We did some computer runs in the lab...
...and figured if we could harness the energy output from...
...the male members of the Sheen family we could put the state of lllinois on Pluto.
I really don't think I can do this again so soon.
Yes, you can.
-Celeste? -What?
Celeste, why me?
Because you're sensitive...
...and you're an outsider...
...and you worked so hard to get through M.l.T....
...and you have two Ph.D.'s and a delightful innocence.
Just all the qualities of a dreamer.
I know you had some really bad luck five years ago when...
...your wife died and left you with a daughter, Jessie, 13.
That's who the short person was.
Wait a minute. Where'd you get all those details?
I can read it. In your eyes.
That's kid's stuff.
This is no help.
Whiteside, I'm here to spend Christmas with you.
I think.
I may stay a month...
...or I may leave immediately.
I don't know. Things are so uncertain.
"Did you ever have the feeling you wanted to go
"And still had the feeling that you wanted to stay
"You knew it was right, wasn't wrong still you knew you wouldn't be very long
"It's tough to have the feeling you wanted to go
"Still have the feeling that you wanted to stay, start to go
"Change your mind start and go again But changed your mind again
"Did you ever have the feeling you wanted to go
"Still have the feeling you wanted to stay
"Do Re Mi Fa So La Si Do
"I go
-"I'll stay" -Shut up you reform school fugitive.
Whiteside, I love ya. I love ya.
Dave, bon appétit.
Dave, how are you and your 1,000 fleas this morning?
Are you okay?
Yes, I'm okay.
Jessie, Celeste. Celeste, my daughter, Jessie.
I know.
You stayed here?
Just overnight.
But dad...
...that's fabulous.
I gotta go.
Be true to your school.
Happy short person. Daughter.
Almost as happy as her old man.
Who is that?
Me.
Yes, I am happy, too.
I think....
Yes?
Will I scare you if I tell you I love you?
Not unless you hit me at the same time.
I'm serious.
So am l.
Then let's go away. Let's go to San Francisco.
-Or Vancouver? Or Anchorage? -No, I have to leave tonight.
Leave? Where you going?
Home.
To the Netherlands?
You can call it Holland now. I know what you mean. Yes.
When are you going to be back?
No, I'm never coming back.
Never coming back? Why? Why can't you ever come back?
-Well l-- -Celeste.
I hate to sound desperate, but this news makes me sound desperate.
I'm desperate. Celeste, I know this is sudden...
...but you're the most incredible thing that's ever happened to me.
I look in your face and I can't believe what I feel for you.
I'm hopelessly, insanely, out of my mind in love with you. I can't let you go.
Walk out of my life. I mean, I can't.
Not now, not ever. Without you there is no life.
And?
Will you marry me?
Marry you?
Yes. Please.
This is a strange development.
I know it's sudden and quick and all.
Not if you consider I've been waiting five years for you.
You see, before I met you all I could think about was science.
Now I can't even think about that anymore. All I care about is you.
Your eyes, your skin, your hair, your face.
Do you think you could think about science if we got married?
If only I knew you were going to be with me and you weren't going anywhere.
I know it's kinda sudden and everything, so I'll tell you what.
Why don't you take a short walk and think about it?
Okay, I'll think it over.
You're not going out like that, are you?
No. Of course not.
She's an original. She's gotta say yes.
You said you'd prepare me for 24 hours, and here it's only been 12 hours.
You didn't tell me "spinach," you didn't tell me "kiss"...
...you didn't tell me "have sex," and what about "marry"?
Do things always happen so fast on this planet?
I don't think so. You can't walk down the street looking like this.
Yes, I can. I know how this planet works.
They'll think I'm starting some kind of trend or something.
I want you to contact the Council and I want them here, I want them here now!
Why here?
They said they needed an open field. I found it in the phone book.
What goes on here? Is it Christians and lions?
Wrong time frame.
-Where is the transmission? -We're making progress, sir.
Our gravity has increased threefold!
Does the subject suspect who you are?
-No. -Does the girl?
She saw Celeste put magazines into me and a dress come out.
Kill her!